A new year, a whole new beginning

It’s always a time to sit and reflect as the festive season flows into the background and a new year rolls around.

For me, it’s never a time to sit and make meaningless resolutions that I’ll never stick to but more of an opportunity to reflect on the past twelve months, look ahead to the coming year and reset my focus.

I’ve learnt over the years that nothing can be planned or predicted and the pandemic thoroughly confirmed that this is as true as ever. I’m personally not a planner anyway and actually quite enjoy change and just rolling with whatever may come my way.

I’ve had a complete life change in the last year and for me, the turn to 2022 is not just a new year, but a whole new beginning. It’s the start of a new chapter in my life.

On the 5th Jan 2022, I officially became a divorcee and the email of confirmation came with the biggest punch in the stomach I think I’ve ever experienced. It shattered me from my core and broke every ounce of my being to a point of gut-wrenching tears. I sat sobbing, shaking and seriously contemplating my future that day. It was a horrible feeling, but all in the same it was a little liberating and a sort of relief.

My now ex-husband (and that’s the first time I’m writing that which also brought a tear to my eye) will always be my best friend. We shared eight of the most incredible years together, travelled over 30,000 miles both on land and at sea and visited over 25 countries during our time as a couple. We owned three properties in that time, a few questionable cars and bought a business – that would ultimately be one part to contribute to our separation.

Regardless of the reasoning, we amicably decided to go our separate ways. The lives we were both living were two different, too different that just didn’t align with the other. It was the hardest decision we had to make, but ultimately one we both knew was inevitable. We’d been the best of friends for seven years, we’d fought ridiculously over the smallest of things and laughed until tears streamed down our faces and we ugly snorted in hysterics.

The best and hardest of times have all fizzled into just the most beautiful memories. I look back at photos with a knot in my stomach and smile, I smile knowing that I’d had such a strong bond with such an amazing human. I smile that I was lucky enough to experience everything I experienced over those years with my sidekick next to me. I smile that I felt a love that deep. I smile, because I love what we had.

The “d” word is still hard to say out loud and I got a little choked up typing “ex”, but I felt that writing these words was not only important for me so that I can slowly begin to let go of the sadness I hold, but also just to share with the world. I feel it’s so important to share my story and the sentiments I have right now on this very day to allow people to understand that a separation doesn’t have to be acrimonious. It doesn’t have to be bitter and ugly.

My Gray and I will always be buddies. We’ve got each other’s backs as we told each other before we ever became a couple and I know I’ll have his until my last breath.

We may not have worked out as husband and wife, but we worked as a team for years and now transition slowly into our new roles as friends.

I am a feeler and an overthinker so I am choking up as I write these words and relive the emotions, but for me it’s so important to feel it and to free myself from the pain. I remember this exact day a year ago and how my heart bled for the pain I felt as I walked out of my front door for a long walk after a silly argument that ultimately led to our eventual separation. I cried for a week straight, I felt a numbness I could never have imagined and we said the most horrific goodbye I could ever have imagined.

So instead of an ending, here’s to a new beginning. A change. A transition.

Life is a blessing and love is a gift, so we must embrace those we love and tell those we cherish. We must let go if it doesn’t feel right and we must hold onto hope.

Love is everywhere, it’s out there, it’s in many different forms and it’s beautiful in every single way.

Here, my friends, is to love.

To a new beginning, a new year and a new chapter.

LL Xo

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